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Because Caine Threatened Me Into Posting This...

Posted 11-21-2009 at 12:16 AM by Agent Spencer
Sitting there. Staring at the small grey bars cascade up the screen as people were conversing about topics that I was too tired to cognitively process, I realized that it was nearly 1:30 AM, and that my computer screen was the only thing illuminating the room. After typing a quick goodbye that I most certainly misspelled due to my impending slumber, I managed to throw myself onto my bed and fall asleep upon impact.

Sleep was mistake number one.

Before the quiet whirring of my computer died out, I found myself wandering down a quaint little street on campus. With no general purpose in mind, I just kept walking on until my phone rang. Answering it, it came to my surprise that it was my old middle school principal, calling me and asking if I would be available to chaperone a 6th grade fieldtrip to the zoo. Logically, being a college kid who clearly had nothing better to do then travel two hours to walk some kids around some animals in cages, I accepted and was immediately transported to the parking lot outside the school.

The bus was being boarded, and the principal cheerfully thanked me for coming down on such short notice. Then he informed me that due to there being a massive hole in the back of the bus, I would be forced to stand in the back and block the hole so kids would not jump out. Again, seemingly like a totally good reason for standing near a gaping hole in the back of a large motor-vehicle, I agreed, and we were off.

Upon arrival at the Zoo, all of the kids happily disembarked the bus and began to be corralled into the small touring groups. Being assigned a group of about 7 or 8 kids, none of whom were immediately recognizable, I started walking toward the zoo gates. A few paces into the walk, I noticed a lad was walking next to me. Glancing over, I was rather surprised to find out that this 6th grader had apparently been able to grow a full goatee, and wore glasses. Both of which gave him a dead on resemblance to a young-yet-facial hair-equipped … Colonel Musta— er… Caine Hazen.

A slight wave of concern hit me as I quickly asked the kid if he was related to Caine, and was galvanized when he nodded and gave me the trademark ReallyHappyCaine™ look. Content that I had unmasked the offspring of an AO member, I continued to lead the group into the zoo. No sooner had we gotten into the zoo, and Lil’ Caine whips out a Toshiba laptop and starts feverishly typing on it as we are touring the exhibits. This doubly confirmed my theory that he was indeed Caine’s kid.

Proceeding into the Manatee exhibit, I noticed the ReallyHappyCaine™ look on Lil’ Caine’s face had transformed into a YesSomethingBadIsAboutToHappenAndIMayOrMayNotHaveC ausedIt® grin. The shocking realization hit me that Lil’ Caine had managed to somehow wirelessly activate the manatees to come and attack me. Ramming the glass enclosure several times, the manatee finally shattered it, causing a flood of glass and water to issue from the tank. Unphased by the fact that its water had been sprayed out all over the room, the manatee continued to drift toward me alarmingly, as though it were still underwater and not in mid-air.
I am unpleased to report that the blunt force trauma from an airborne manatee attack carry’s the knockdown power of a .44 Magnum. To compliment the fact that I was now being rammed by a massive unthreatening-looking underwater mammal, Lil’ Caine decided it would be appropriate to rig the aquarium speakers to play “Prison Sex” by Tool. Barely managing to crawl away from the belligerent and hacked manatee, I somehow managed to get back to my feet and continue the tour despite the distinct sense of copious amounts of internal bleeding.

Lil’ Caine however did not seem to think that manatees were enough pain to inflict, and so he enlisted the forces of hacked flamingoes to assault me next. Again, apparently wild animals are worse when they are being controlled via WiFi by some bearded miscreant’s juvenile clone. Battered and bleeding, the rest of the tour consisted of more animals being overly aggressive and escaping the confinement of their enclosures to attempt to harm me.

Struggling to reach the parking lot without any more brutality from the animals that were becoming evermore effective at escaping their cages due to Lil’ Caine’s hacking, I whispered curses under my breath and sighed with relief when the kids finally boarded the bus. Taking up my position in front of the gaping hole, I watched as the zoo faded in the distance.

Incorrectly assuming that the worst had to be over, I noticed moments too late, that Lil’ Caine had managed to chuck his Toshiba out of the back of the bus. With a cross stare, as if I’d been the one to do it, the principal pointed and angrily told me to jump out of the moving bus, now on an overpass, and go get the laptop.

Bailing out of a perfectly good bus, I landed on the overpass, and saw to my horror that the laptop had fallen off of the overpass. Jumping off the overpass, I landed in time to retrieve the laptop which miraculously had remained intact despite its extreme abuse. Dusting myself off, with a smug smile of satisfaction on my face, I managed to look up just in time as a Mack truck with a tornado grenade hood ornament hit me head on.

Blackness.

I awoke in a small room. In a hospital bed of some fashion, but the walls were chipping paint like crazy. Pressing the nurse button, I was surprised to see Red walk in wearing a surgical mask. Explaining that I needed immediate surgery, he started dragging my bed out into the hallway, which is when I realized that the door to my room was fashioned out of bars, and that I was indeed in the newly renovated Mansfield General Hospital. As I was carted into surgery, Red decided that I should just tough it out rather then have any anesthesia or anything of the sort.

Somehow managing to stay conscious throughout the entire process of having a Tornado grenade surgically removed from my sternum, Red and Greaseman started to take me back to my room in a wheelchair, I managed to grab a scalpel and take Greaseman hostage long enough to escape to an Ambulance.
The ambulance however, had once again been hacked by the wretched spawn of the one named Caine, and instead of driving me back to my destination, it managed to barrel-roll, sideways, all the way back up to campus. Where I was immediately confronted with the new dress code… Orange Prison Jumpsuits….






So thanks Caine. Thanks Alot.
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Comments

  1. Old
    Falcon's Avatar
    Wow.......
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 12:29 AM by Falcon Falcon is offline
  2. Old
    I am not sure what to say either you are the best lier ever or I should hang out with you some time.
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 12:51 AM by revoltofthestrong revoltofthestrong is offline
  3. Old
    HitMan's Avatar
    EPIC WIN!!!
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 02:23 AM by HitMan HitMan is offline
  4. Old
    Rhyno's Avatar
    This is why people keep dream journals.........
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 03:47 AM by Rhyno Rhyno is offline
  5. Old
    knightmare's Avatar
    I smell a best-seller.
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 09:34 AM by knightmare knightmare is offline
  6. Old
    Texx's Avatar
    man, I hate it when that happens.
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 11:13 AM by Texx Texx is offline
  7. Old
    Ummm, what... the... HELL, DID I JUST READ?
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 11:52 AM by Yamsbanned Yamsbanned is offline
  8. Old
    British's Avatar
    oh sweet jesus...
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 12:25 PM by British British is offline
  9. Old
    Odin37's Avatar
    DO A BARREL ROLL! lol

    The other night I had a dream that I was talking about to my grandma, about a dream I had inside a dream about the end of the world in 2012
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 12:28 PM by Odin37 Odin37 is offline
  10. Old
    Red's Avatar
    I straight up rofl'd at work.
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 12:45 PM by Red Red is offline
  11. Old
    CaineHazen's Avatar
    it feels good to be like Cthulhu and cause these sorts of insanity.
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 01:01 PM by CaineHazen CaineHazen is offline
  12. Old
    Grease Man's Avatar
    funny, I had the exact same dream...
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 02:06 PM by Grease Man Grease Man is offline
  13. Old
    Rebel's Avatar
    WHAT??? i saw this on the news last night! "Crazy pot head jumper tries to kill him self by jumping off a bridge"
    Posted 11-21-2009 at 04:19 PM by Rebel Rebel is offline
  14. Old
    D_Man's Avatar
    Cool story bro.
    Posted 11-22-2009 at 01:21 AM by D_Man D_Man is offline
  15. Old
    Gerber's Avatar
    WOW. that is the funniest story i've read. DANKA MAN!
    Posted 11-22-2009 at 10:20 PM by Gerber Gerber is offline
  16. Old
    its a shame my ADD kicked in after the first paragraph. It appears as if i missed a good story.
    Posted 11-30-2009 at 05:14 PM by Mavrick Mavrick is offline
  17. Old
    RNA's Avatar
    holy ****...
    Posted 11-30-2009 at 07:10 PM by RNA RNA is offline
  18. Old
    Zebra Cakes's Avatar
    just wanna let you know this story has changed my life forever. thank you.
    Posted 12-01-2009 at 06:01 PM by Zebra Cakes Zebra Cakes is offline
 

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