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A Shocking and Deplorable Tale of Wanton Nudity that You Should Not Read

Posted 04-24-2010 at 11:49 AM by gertrude
I messed up my neck a few weeks ago. I had slept funny, and for about three days I could barely move my head. I went to a doctor and got some crazy pills, but finally I realized I needed to have a massage of some kind. My coworker suggested her friend, a Certified Massage Therapist who gave great rates to friends. I thought I was getting a great deal and meeting someone in the City, to boot!

I talked with the CMT over the phone and we agreed to meet at my place for a bit, and then head to the beach to meet up with her friends and do a bit more work on my neck at the beach. My initial thought was, "Hey, I'm going to finally meet some people in San Francisco! This is cool!" And it was cool. It was just... different than I expected.

We met at my place and she worked on my neck and shoulders for about 20 minutes. It was already starting to feel better. I had thought enough ahead to grab some large bottles of water for the beach. I cleaned up some strawberries and brought a blanket as a peace offering to my new acquaintances. Before we left, she mentioned, "Oh, by the way, there may be some naked people there. The part of the beach where we're going is where people usually get naked. It's just some naked hippies."

I thought to myself, "Oh, well, okay, I don't have to get naked," and mentally shrugged and accepted this caveat in the plan. After all, there was no nakedness at my apartment. She was just giving me a neck and shoulder rub. I am, at heart, a Midwestern with rather... hmm. I don't want to say "prudish" sensibilities, but I do admit to some conservatism.

It was a 50 minute bus ride, and the CMT and I talked easily the whole way. We trekked down to the beach, and it was a beautiful day. There were many people about enjoying the rareness of a San Francisco hot sunny day.

When we got to the end of the beach, everyone was naked. Naked sunbathers. Naked volleyball players. Naked everything. Even the dogs were naked. (Okay, they usually are, but I thought to include them for the sake of completeness.)

I will cut the rest of this short in favor of some censorship-

Everyone talked about sex. The whole time. My CMT got naked pretty quick and people ate food off of each other.

I sat, clothes on. I marveled at all the flesh. There was... so much of it. Women usually left their underwear on, but the guys tended to go trunksless.

I was shocked. Completely shocked. Not in the way that I disapproved, but simply that I wasn't ready for the sex, the flesh, and the ease with which people just took off their clothes.

I played it cool, but I had to cut the evening short as I had to make it home to let the boyfriend into the house. I was unclear about the CMT. (Okay, I was unclear about WTF had just happened, period.) She had talked about some modeling and some "shoots," but I wasn't quite sure what that meant. They had talked about some friends that were Prima Donnas, high maintenance porn stars. I couldn't quite make sense of what had just happened.

I was shocked the whole way home. The next day, my coworker groaned and sighed when I told her what happened. "That always happens. She (the CMT) is a porn star and a lot of the people there are really into sex all the time. When they go to the beach, something like what you saw goes on." She shrugged her shoulders and comforted me, who felt better, but was - and still am, even as I write this - confused.

How do you come to terms with something so odd and alien when you're not prepared for it?

How do you deal with the gap that arises when you have no idea what's going on, socially?

What do you say when some random man proposes someone else's boyfriend motorboat you? Now, imagine you don't know what a motorboat is. THEN what do you do?

Culture shock is a *****. I knew when I moved here that San Francisco was full of hippies, but I sort of felt myself to be pretty much on the side of the hippies. After last weekend, I realized that I'm still just a Midwesterner who's new in town, still carrying all the conservative ideas about sex and nudity that I was brought up with.
Tags: city life, how to
Posted in City Life
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Total Comments 23


  1. Old
    Red's Avatar
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 12:43 PM by Red Red is offline
  2. Old
    Casino's Avatar
    I read it. Twice.
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 12:56 PM by Casino Casino is offline
  3. Old
    mr_kong's Avatar
    lol @ culture shock

    Posted 04-24-2010 at 02:39 PM by mr_kong mr_kong is offline
  4. Old
    Texx's Avatar
    Aww, poor Gert.

    Improvise and Adapt.
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 02:49 PM by Texx Texx is offline
  5. Old
    ljg's Avatar
    Still have this CMT's number?
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 02:54 PM by ljg ljg is offline
  6. Old
    Torque's Avatar
    Lemme get this straight. Your co-worker (a woman) recommended another woman that she knew (a CMT) give you a deep tissue message, then go down to the beach and get naked.

    They you asked your co-worker about it, and she was like, "yeah, she's a porn star CMT. Happens all the time."

    hmmm. And you don't think either of these women are either bi or lesbian? Or is there something you are not sharing with us?

    And even if they aren't, hey it's San Fran. You're shocked? Really? I've spent some time there in my younger days. Saw stuff. Did stuff. Smoked stuff. 'Nuff said.
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 02:56 PM by Torque Torque is offline
    Updated 04-24-2010 at 03:01 PM by Torque
  7. Old
    NegSpace's Avatar
    You would be wrong to think this doesn't happen in Ohio. It's just harder to find, and a bit more exclusive. The stories I've heard...
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 03:16 PM by NegSpace NegSpace is offline
  8. Old
    Texx's Avatar
    Gert, would you say their culture lacked some tangible couture?

    Usually just keep thinking "She lives in San Francisco now."
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 03:57 PM by Texx Texx is offline
  9. Old
    Son of Liberty's Avatar
    Torque, you're my hero.
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 04:24 PM by Son of Liberty Son of Liberty is offline
  10. Old
    Agent Spencer's Avatar
    I think I actually agree with SoL on this.
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 10:01 PM by Agent Spencer Agent Spencer is offline
  11. Old
    gertrude's Avatar
    Well, my coworker is married (straight) and they (the CMT and the coworker) have been best friends since they were in their early teens living on the eastern seaboard. The CMT *might* be bi, but she's mostly into men.

    Perhaps my problem is that I haven't yet experienced any of SF's fine gay street festivals. (Folsom Street Fair is for BDSM, [gay] Pride Day, Love Fest [rave/techno/love parade themed] are just a few.) Most of my SF experience has been a couple of pot smokers and a bunch of drunk homeless people. (I live downtown.)

    Also, the boyfriend's circle of friends is pretty limited, so I've socialized person-to-person more with people I know from WoW than I have actually meeting new people. A number of online friends have come into town, and I met about as many people this past weekend as I have finally met WoW friends. This was maybe the third time I've gone out to any kind of social function- I just didn't think it would be quite so sexualized.


    Improvise and Adapt.
    I am not getting naked, ThankYouVeryMuchMisterSmartyPants.
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 10:15 PM by gertrude gertrude is offline
    Updated 04-24-2010 at 10:17 PM by gertrude (Stated.)
  12. Old
    BIRDSTRIKE's Avatar
    When in Rome... Eat sour dough bread, and pay way to much for an apartment.
    Posted 04-24-2010 at 10:20 PM by BIRDSTRIKE BIRDSTRIKE is offline
  13. Old
    203's Avatar
    [Quote] The CMT *might* be bi, but she's mostly into men. [Quote]

    I have girl friends who would do it with a girl but would never date a girl.
    Posted 04-25-2010 at 01:59 AM by 203 203 is offline
  14. Old
    mac50's Avatar
    Welcome to California. BTW do you have the directions to that beach?
    Posted 04-25-2010 at 04:16 PM by mac50 mac50 is offline
  15. Old
    gertrude's Avatar
    Well, it's an open public beach called Baker Beach. Feel free to Google it, or Google Maps it. Or something.

    Edit: Remember that San Francisco is a gay town... be prepared for an overwhelming number of penises of pinkish-bronzed 40-50 year olds. The women were in the minority.
    Posted 04-27-2010 at 09:07 AM by gertrude gertrude is offline
    Updated 04-27-2010 at 09:09 AM by gertrude (ManPenis)
  16. Old
    Texx's Avatar
    Makes you wonder why Starfleet chose San Francisco.
    Posted 04-27-2010 at 02:11 PM by Texx Texx is offline
  17. Old
    Najentus's Avatar
    Also, the boyfriend's circle of friends is pretty limited, so I've socialized person-to-person more with people I know from WoW than I have actually meeting new people. A number of online friends have come into town, and I met about as many people this past weekend as I have finally met WoW friends.
    That game stole 180 days, 12 hours, and 14 minutes of my life to date.
    Posted 04-27-2010 at 04:31 PM by Najentus Najentus is offline
  18. Old
    mac50's Avatar
    Makes you wonder why Starfleet chose San Francisco.--Texx

    Two words. George Takei
    Posted 04-28-2010 at 08:20 AM by mac50 mac50 is offline
  19. Old
    gertrude's Avatar
    That game stole 180 days, 12 hours, and 14 minutes of my life to date.
    I'm working (across all characters) on over 152 days.
    Posted 04-30-2010 at 09:27 AM by gertrude gertrude is offline
  20. Old
    Torque's Avatar
    Originally Posted by Texx
    Makes you wonder why Starfleet chose San Francisco.
    Actually, they chose Vulcan, Alberta, CA.
    Posted 04-30-2010 at 10:24 AM by Torque Torque is offline

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