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The earths moon.

Posted 12-19-2009 at 09:14 PM by Gerber
Updated 08-02-2015 at 10:37 PM by Gerber
last of old crap
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  1. Old
    killer bannana's Avatar
    damn thats pretty good man keep up the good work
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 06:52 AM by killer bannana killer bannana is offline
  2. Old
    Wright a novel and get it published already this is awsome.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 07:27 AM by revoltofthestrong revoltofthestrong is offline
  3. Old
    Gerber's Avatar
    Haha thanks guys.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 09:14 AM by Gerber Gerber is offline
  4. Old
    I feel like it may have potential, but even this section is far, far from finished. You need to revise grammar, stop using vague language, give better descriptions of the area you are in, don't use informal writing styles (ex. the tripple dots ... ) spell out numbers that are less than eleven. Also, the first person style combined with the brief, powerful sentences can get a little boring once you get further into the book.

    Getting published isn't an easy thing, and if you a manuscript like that into a publishers office, you will get laughed out.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 10:25 AM by Skate Skate is offline
  5. Old
    Gerber's Avatar
    I'm still working on it. I also knows it vague but you know most stuff is vague when your writing it off the top of your head.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 10:31 AM by Gerber Gerber is offline
  6. Old
    Gerber's Avatar
    Gray Army.
    The Gray Army is the military of the Chezch Union, which formed eh 50 odd years ago. During those 50 years they became a leader in the military, creating tanks, helicopters, and new weapons. It's all cheap and semi-effective. The uniform of the GA is of course gray! Their soldiers look like civil protection from Half-Life, but they're human and the helmets have visors. The carry everything from Ak-47's to RPG-D's.

    The 4th Blockade Regiment.
    The 4th Blockade Regiment is a German military group, created to stop the GA from taking over Germany. There are 8 BR's and in the story the 4th is destroyed. They were Olive Drab, and wear look like normal soldiers. They carry anything H&K. And in the future H&K makes some very interesting weapons.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 11:31 AM by Gerber Gerber is offline
  7. Old
    Son of Liberty's Avatar
    Gerber, get a damn dictionary and learn to use the right words. People don't were clothes, they WEAR clothes. That sentence, if you can call it that, at the end about what the German dudes WEAR is awful.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 01:08 PM by Son of Liberty Son of Liberty is offline
  8. Old
    Gerber's Avatar
    Jebus! You spaz out over a typo??
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 01:18 PM by Gerber Gerber is offline
  9. Old
    Sparky's Avatar
    We get alot of typos here..... To me personally it sounds more like a narration to a movie rather then the first chapter of a book. It's good though.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 01:42 PM by Sparky Sparky is offline
  10. Old
    Dora's Avatar
    Not too bad, Gerber. Yes, a few typos and stuff, but that's what editing is for.

    As for formality, it depends on what kind of feel you're going for. Ellipses are good for a narrative for something like this story-they give the impression of a pause in thought or speech. Grammar isn't too bad, but mechanics could use a little work, mostly in the realm of paragraph structure.

    My only real suggestion is that if you want to go into more serious writing, write something that you really know well or have had experience in. The difference between writing that's mediocre and writing that shines is a polish of detail that comes only from having experienced the topic at hand or having done ungodly amounts of research (usually involving interviews with people who have had experienced said subject firsthand.) All in all, a pretty competent first draft.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 04:55 PM by Dora Dora is offline
  11. Old
    Darkstar's Avatar
    What is the Chezch Army? Do you mean the Czech Army? Also, it would be grammatically correct to call it "The Earth's Moon". People are going to spaz out about grammar and spelling errors, especially if you're writing a "book". If you sent a treatment to a publishing company with ANY errors, don't expect to get published. Just the way it is. Constructive criticism is always a good thing.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 05:49 PM by Darkstar Darkstar is offline
  12. Old
    Son of Liberty's Avatar
    My dad has having a bok published and he's been working on it for nearly 2 yeers. Countless revisions and pee edits and finally got it published. Due 4 printing soon. An it had been in the works for nearly 5 years.
    Gerber this sounds like something you wrote in your English notebook during school. It's only suitable for people who ejoy awkward fiction.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 06:16 PM by Son of Liberty Son of Liberty is offline
    Updated 12-21-2009 at 07:32 PM by Gerber
  13. Old
    Evil Head's Avatar
    Damn SOL, get off your English high horse. You can write a book on napkins and spell every word wrong as far as I'm concerned. Books go through countless drafts and revisions before they get published. With the first draft only content is important. Spelling and grammer all get cleaned up later in the process. It's a draft, the first draft none the less. An editor's job is to clean up the grammer and spelling. The writer just needs to create a good story.
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 07:27 PM by Evil Head Evil Head is offline
  14. Old
    Tactical Ginger's Avatar
    I personally think it's a good start as stated above it will need editing of course but so does every book and SOL Harry Potter is a rather odd book and look at how well it did
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 08:03 PM by Tactical Ginger Tactical Ginger is offline
  15. Old
    Gerber's Avatar
    WOW WOW WOW! GUYS! I'm not writing a book!!!! Darkstar no it's meant to be Chezch. This is just some random thing I decided to write. So chill. And SOL I don't write most of my stories down. Bizarre fiction is great!
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 08:57 PM by Gerber Gerber is offline
    Updated 12-20-2009 at 09:32 PM by Gerber
  16. Old
    Dora's Avatar
    Yea, there's a pretty big difference between constructive criticism and being a douche...
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 09:42 PM by Dora Dora is offline
  17. Old
    Tactical Ginger's Avatar
    Dora you stated that so well
    Posted 12-20-2009 at 10:20 PM by Tactical Ginger Tactical Ginger is offline
  18. Old
    Son of Liberty's Avatar
    Having proper grammar and **** is key if you send it in. If an editor or publisher sees it's full of **** mistakes you won't be taken seriously. I will remain on my high horse. I like it up here better.
    Posted 12-21-2009 at 11:43 AM by Son of Liberty Son of Liberty is offline
  19. Old
    Gerber, have you ever been in, ya know, school? Where teachers provide constructive criticism a lot like this. If you are taking insult from anything then you need to get a tougher skin.

    There is a very interesting essay by Steven King that is titled something like How to be a Better Writer in 10 Minutes. I think it could serve any prospective writer well. I looked for the link but I read it in a book and I can't find it on the internet.

    Anyway, my point is that one of his rules is write about what you know. Have you been to war? If not, then you probably don't have much experience with the subject. Interestingly enough, another rule is to make it look pretty and presentable, no matter what you're writing. You want to be proud of your work, so you should write every draft like your final.

    Again, it looks like it has potential, and it is far from bad, just not ready. Even if its just going into an anthology of your personal works.
    Posted 12-21-2009 at 12:33 PM by Skate Skate is offline
  20. Old
    Tactical Ginger's Avatar
    I could say something about Harry Potter again but someone will probably burn my house down
    Posted 12-21-2009 at 12:59 PM by Tactical Ginger Tactical Ginger is offline

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